Pregnancy after multiple miscarriages

After four miscarriages, being pregnant again kind of makes me crazy. I mean, at 12DPO, I had already taken four pregnancy tests. But I think even normal people do that... maybe. Once I was sure I was pregnant is when it really went off the chain! The best way I can think to describe it is that I needed every possible reassurance that the pregnancy was still going on. I knew from experience that the longer the pregnancy went on before I knew I was going to miscarry, the more difficult it was. So everything I did from here was to reassure myself that things were going well.
11 DPO - I called my doctor to tell them I wanted to come in the next day, a Friday, to have an HCG level checked. They reminded me of false positive home pregnancy tests and that it was too early really, but let me come in anyways
12 DPO - Pregnancy test that morning before going in to get my HCG level measured, faint but definitely present line. HCG reported back to me that afternoon as 28. While this is an early positive, one HCG level doesn't mean anything, it's the doubling time that counts. This is when I discovered betabase.info. This is a magical website where thousands of women have put in their beta HCGs at different stages of pregnancy, so you can get a good comparison with lots of women. My level at 12 DPO was lower than the median for a singleton pregnancy. I was sure this was the first sign of doom. We were told to come back on Tuesday (it was Memorial Day weekend) for another HCG level.
15 DPO - It's Memorial Day and I can't wait any more to know how things are going. So, I take another pregnancy test, just to make sure that the line is getting stronger. Adding to my crazy, I make sure I do this with a small, dilute sample. The line is definitely stronger. Just so you really understand how crazy I am: I took this test in a gas station on the way home from our weekend trip to Lake Charles. I also had the previous test from 12 DPO in my purse (all weekend!!!) so that I would be able to compare them when I decided it was time to take another one.
16 DPO - Return for HCG level in the morning. This time, I'm so sick with nerves waiting for the call that I can't even eat lunch. They call me that afternoon, and the level is 315. I'm not kidding, I cried. That is an amazing level. I put it into beta base and it's a better doubling time than the median as well as a better level than the median level for a singleton pregnancy...in fact it's approaching the median for twin pregnancy??? I'm told to come back for another level on the following Monday. Oh crap, almost a whole week. What am I going to do?!?!
21 DPO - take a pregnancy test... obviously. This time it's like three drops in the middle of the day. The pregnant line is bright pink and the control line is barely present...that's how dilute the sample was. At this point pregnancy tests really can't tell me anything more... boo!
22 DPO - HCG 4434!! Now my level is between the median for twins and triplets. I'm remembering the three mature follicles they saw before my trigger, and I start to think, just a little, that I might have other things to worry about. But the worry of whether or not the pregnancy is going to stick is enough for me for now. We did put our plans to buy a new car on hold at this point. Can't go buying a 5 seater if we're gonna have triplets! The plan was for a sono in a week and three days.
26 DPO - I told myself I could wait, but I couldn't. I started having cramping, which was the first sign of miscarriage with my most recent pregnancy. I called the doctor and asked if I could come in for blood work. They were very understanding and agreed. My HCG was 15,111. The median for twins is around 10,000. Triplets is 17,000. EEK! But at least the pregnancy is going well. That afternoon I started to experience nausea! YAY!!! At this point, HCG levels can't even tell me anything. Beta base only goes to 30 DPO.
31 DPO - Our first sono. I was wreck the whole day. Through all of these miscarriages I have had three sonos. Two of them were bad news and the third, was a lie. My most recent miscarriage I went in at 6 weeks and saw a perfect heart beat, and then at 7 weeks, it was gone. I was expecting bad news. Even with all the good HCG levels. On top of that there was the possibility we would learn the life changing news that we were having multiples. A wreck!!
The sono
6 weeks (because DPOs are getting ridiculous now) - The first thing I see is only one sack. Phew! Also that is amazing news because it means my HCG levels are that much better!! Then the search for the flickering heart. Yes, it is there. The heart rate is 118. She says I'm 6 weeks and 3 days. At the end of the 6th week, they expect the heart rate to be 120, so we're right on track. Slow heart rates are a first sign of possible miscarriage. She told us that the sack is nice and round, a good sign. She and the doctor both tell us that if they didn't know our history, they would say this was a home run, perfect pregnancy. 
But there is my history. And I still don't know how this ends. Last time we were here, the next sono showed us a miscarriage. The first time, it was 9 weeks before there was a problem. For now, everything looks good. But part of my crazy is that I can't hold on to that. On the way home from the sono I was already planning how I would react when the next sono didn't show a heart beat. I already know I will have a D&C, not a natural miscarriage. I know we will probably stop trying, at least for awhile... this is too hard. I stop myself from day dreaming about all of the fun things, like telling Addie and like actually having a baby. After a year and a half and four miscarriages, it doesn't matter that I'm six weeks pregnant and nauseous and exhausted or that I've been reassured that things are going well 8 different times. I can't believe it. In the words of a friend, it's like every piece of good news is another step out onto a precarious ledge, and any minute the whole thing is just going to collapse. Jordan says that we should make that image into a bridge, so that there's at least the possibility of crossing... I can't even get there.
They are going to let us come back every week for sonos. I wonder when I will start to believe we're going to have a baby. There's some positive thinking. Even wondering when I will start to believe it implies that at least somewhere in my head I think there's the possibility that things may continue long enough for me to start to believe it. That also means there's a lot more crazy to come. I hate that now the only thing I have for reassurance is the sonograms... Oh, and my temperatures. Yes, I'm still temping. I now have 34 days of temps above my coverline. I think I'll keep temping until I run out of paper; that should be in another month and a half. We'll see how I feel then though. I do realize that the sono would probably show me a problem before my temp dropped. At this point my progesterone levels are so high, I'm sure it would take a couple of weeks after the baby died for my temp to drop. Still... it's something I can do.