Coping

Getting Ready to Try Again
Recovering from my fourth miscarriage, I knew we still had things to do before we could start trying again. And in all honesty, I needed a break. A chance to get grounded again and stop the trying and crying. I think about these four months now as a time of healing and really trying to understand what I had been through. Until now, we were full steam ahead trying without looking back. I coped with every miscarriage by racing forward until I could try again. After a year, it was clear that this might take much longer than I had anticipated, and perhaps it might not even happen at all. I needed some time to think about that.
We still had some imaging studies to complete with the reproductive endocrinologist, so I waited until my next period after the miscarriage and then went in. The imaging was normal, except for some retained tissue from the miscarriage. He sent me to get my HCG levels checked to see what was going on. Everything was normal, HCG of zero. He thought that meant I was going to pass it, but didn't think it was a good idea to try with this cycle, given the tissue. I was told to come back in March, with my next period. Just a word here about how frustrating it is to want to be pregnant with every fiber of your being, but still have to be using birth control!!!
In the meantime, one of my very close friends at work informed me that she was pregnant. She knew everything I had been going through and disclosed this news to me in the most sensitive manner possible. It still broke my heart. Her due date and mine were days apart. She waited as long as possible to tell me, trying to let me heal a little. This hurt a little, because of how open I had been with her about what I was going through, but looking back, and imagining being her, I can't figure out when else would've been a good time. Waiting so long to tell me meant that she started showing very soon thereafter. For a bit, every day was a challenge to maintain my composure at work and not lose it.
I was having such a difficult time, and I knew I needed some help. Our church started offering a class called "Navigating Grief." I waffled on it, thinking for sure I would get pregnant during the 8 week course, and then I wouldn't need it. In the end, with everything at work, and feeling like I had lost one of my main confidants, Jordan and I signed up for the course. For 8 weeks I went every Monday night and cried with a room full of a dozen heart broken people for an hour and a half. The first night, I had to share my story, and it was one of the first times I had said the whole thing out loud. I bawled through it. One of the other almost impossible assignments was to write a letter to our loss, and then read it aloud to the class. I'm not the only one who presented with body-shaking sobs. Finally, we had to bring a memento, something that reminded us of our loss, and share it with the class. This was hard. I had very little from everything I had been through. I had intentionally gotten rid of all of my positive pregnancy tests and even the only ultrasound picture I had from my most recent miscarriage. I did have an ultrasound pic from the first miscarriage. I pulled it out...and cried. I brought that and a song that my friend mentioned above had shared with me...about multiple miscarriages. You can hear it here...
http://mirandadodson.bandcamp.com/track/try-again
More sobbing during class. I have never been so close to people I really hardly know.
By the end of the series, I could listen to that song without crying - a big accomplishment - and I can talk about my experience. It still brings tears to my eyes, but not the body-shaking sobs that accompanied the telling the first time through. The class taught me that we really need to talk about our grief. It's not comfortable for me to say or for you to hear, but it helps to process the experience. I can't believe so many people in my life have no idea what I went through that year. It's ridiculous that I thought I was protecting myself and my friends from something by not sharing my experience. The class made me decide that I would go public with everything... when I was ready. So here it is!