Growing up

Adelyn is 7 1/2 months old! She crawls. She pulls to stand. She says "dadadada" all day long. She gets SO excited when she is standing and she tries to jump while making this noise of utter joy and satisfaction. She is so proud and pleased with herself. How nice to be able to be proud of yourself for such a simple thing.
She is growing up so fast! She seems more like the one year olds running around now than the three month olds I see in their carriers. It used to be I couldn't see a toddler in my baby, it seemed like there was so far to go before we would be there. It wasn't so far after all.
I was waiting to get my hair cut today and reading a magazine to pass the time. One of the stories I read was about a woman who was obsessing about the small things (germs, falls, etc.) that she wasn't taking the time to enjoy her baby. Her mom told her she had to quit it because "they grow up so fast it will break your heart."
I have been trying to think of a way to describe how I feel about how fast Adelyn seems to be growing up. It is bittersweet. It's like saying goodbye to a good friend who you may not see again....it breaks my heart.
When I read that quote in the magazine, I almost started crying right there in the hair salon. I almost cried again when I sat down to write this. I love my baby. I love watching her learn the world and how she works in it. But now when I look at her, I think, "where did my newborn go? Where is that sweet little bundle that would fall asleep on my shoulder or just let me hold her for awhile?" I miss that baby and it hurts so much to know that that part of being with her is just over.

I know every parent goes through this because everyone tells you it flies by. I'm trying to enjoy the moments I have now because I know those are going to be just a fleeting and in another few months, I'll be wondering what happened to this version of my baby girl. Still I wanted to take a moment to just reflect and sit with my sorrow for a minute while I reminisce.

Adelyn's Big Fall

So I know every parent has that story about that time their baby rolled off the bed, changing table, you name it. Well, that happened to us this week. I wish I could say it was a simple as, Adelyn fell of the bed, scared us a lot, and we'll be more careful next time. Of course all of that is true, but unfortunately, the space heater was turned on right next to the bed, and when she fell, her hand landed between the coils on the space heater. It was only there for maybe 5 seconds, but I guess that with her very tender baby skin, that was long enough. She has second degree burns on all of her finger pads and her wrist and a third degree burn about the size of a silver dollar on the back of her hand. There's also a burn that goes down her thumb and I can't tell if they are going to decide that's a second or third degree burn at this point.
I feel awful. Every time we have to change her bandages I look at that little hand and I just can't believe we let that happen. We spent Wednesday morning in the emergency room getting it looked at. I guess the ER attending was thrown off by burns on both side of her hand because he hadn't seen our space heater and I was too shaken to describe it. It's shaped like a radiator, so her hand must have gotten between two of the heating elements, explaining burns on both sides of her hand. Since it's so unique, we were referred to CPS.
I spent Wednesday afternoon on the phone with CPS and driving to their office to talk about what had happened. Since the ER doctor had said that he could not confirm that her injuries were consistent with our story, we had to get a second opinion with the child abuse specialists at Children's. Of course I didn't learn this until 4pm on Wednesday. At the time I was told that we were going to have to go to the REACH clinic, I was also told that we weren't going to be allowed unsupervised time with our daughter until that clinic said they could rule out abuse as the cause of her burns. Luckily Dr. Waber, one of the doctors I work with closely was able to pull some strings for me and get us in Thursday morning at 11am. Until then though, Adelyn was going to have to stay at Jordan's mom's house. We had a sleep-over at Jordan's parents house on Wednesday night and got the all clear from the REACH clinic Thursday morning. And our last visit with CPS (hopefully) Friday morning when they came for a home visit.
Thank goodness for family and friends supporting us through all of this. I feel blessed that no one has said one unkind word through this whole thing. I'm not sure I would have been able to take it. People at work were so understanding as well, stepping in to see my patients because I just couldn't get my act together and focus enough to trust myself to see anyone. And of course Jordan's mom was so nice to let us stay at her house when we weren't allowed to take our baby home :(
We have an appointment with the Parkland burn clinic coming up on Monday. I'm hopeful that they will tell me it's not as bad as I think, but I'm really worried they will confirm my every fear. I can't believe a minute of my carelessness might lead to a scar Adelyn will have for the rest of her life. It seems like this can't possibly be my life. It has to be one of those things you hear about that happened to your sisters friend or something.
One positive thing from all of this, Adelyn is on Tylenol with codeine. She has never slept so well! She's taking her naps without waking up, and she isn't stirring in the middle of the night either. It doesn't seem to affect her much in the middle of the day though, which is something I was worried about. She seems just like her normal self, if a little frustrated about not being able to use her hand.

We are glad to be finished with CPS and able to focus on taking care of our baby again. We have learned that she's more mobile than we realized and we will be much more careful from here on out. I know other accidents are going to happen, but I can't give myself permission yet not to swear that none of those accidents are going to be my fault. It makes me worried that the next accident is going to make me feel even worse as a parent. Once is an accident, twice must just be carelessness. Hopefully I get to a more forgiving place once this has healed a bit. This parenting thing is HARD!

Adelyn's Dedication

Adelyn was dedicated at the First Unitarian Universalist Church of Dallas on December 19th, 2010. I had been sad that Adelyn wasn't going to be baptized and shown to the whole congregation as would have happened in the Presbyterian Church, but decided that we would make of the day what I needed to feel that it was special. We planned for a small reception at Jordan's parent's house and invited all of the family. Both sets of Adelyn's grandparents were able to attend as well as one set of great grandparents and a couple of aunts. We felt very supported and it added to the special feel of the day.

The reception was beautiful and we really loved spending time with family and other special people from church. I was worried that being part of a group of children being dedicated would make it seem less special, but it really didn't. Really the service fulfilled every desire that I had. Now Adelyn has been given a very special blessing by one of the ministers there and we and the congregation have promised to support her spiritual growth.
I am more and more happy with the decision that our family has made to be part of the Unitarian Church. I may feel more at home as a Presbyterian because of all the friends we have there, but we are making more and more friends in the Unitarian church every day and our spiritual growth, especially as a couple, feels more supported there.



12.19.10 Second Service Child Dedication from First Unitarian Church on Vimeo.

Adelyn's First Halloween

We thought and thought about what Adelyn was going to be for Halloween. For weeks we looked at costumes trying to decide. Finally, I was looking at pictures and someone had posted pics of their baby in a pumpkin costume (not an original idea, I had seen it 100 times) in a pumpkin patch (very cute and genius). I already wanted to take Adelyn to the arboretum while the pumpkins were there and after seeing that pic, I knew I had to have one of my own...and that's how Adelyn became a pumpkin for her first Halloween.

Jordan was not excited about this choice of costume. It is not very original (agreed), it is pretty cliche (agreed), and we had been hoping to do something more...special. I told him maybe next year she can be a baby zombie or something not quite so cute.

We had a great day at the arboretum and got some beautiful pictures thanks to Jordan's mom. She calls herself an amateur, but seriously these are professional quality! I keep telling her she should start charging! Check out her website, debrakphotography.com

 My sister, Alissa was home from out of town and came to help us with the pics. Here's Adelyn catching some zzz's while Alissa gives my arms a break!

 This picture is not posed, I swear! Adelyn was cranky and we were trying to get some good shots of the two of us. We had just gotten her to stop crying, Debbie stepped back to pick up the camera, and my sister said, "oh wait, look, we have to move her hand." Better idea, lets capture that moment!







We were taking a stroll while Adelyn napped, and came by this enormous bowl of tiny pumpkins. I turned all of the ones in the middle upside down so there wouldn't be any stems poking her in the back, and we got this great shot!

 She looks so tiny here!

Back to work

So I’m a working mom...and I feel very conflicted about it. I hear that’s normal. I really do love my job. I love that I get to help people and be with them during an important and difficult time in their lives. I love that I know all the ins and outs of the system where I work and how I can make maneuvering through that system easier for families. I love the people that I work with. I love most of all that I feel confident and effective in what I’m doing every day. Somehow that feeling is where things seem the be waning the most as a working mom. I feel less confident and less effective. I think it’s the pumping.
I’ve been back at work for one week. I HATE PUMPING!!! I hate that I have to sit at my desk, or in a room somewhere for 30 minutes without being able to get up. I hate that I have to wash the stupid pumping apparatus every time I pump. I have to do this whole thing 3 times during each work day! I spend an hour and a half every day pumping!! At least I’ve figured out how to do it hands-free, so now I can type or chart review while I pump. That makes me at least a little more effective at my job. Still, it is hindering my performance. For example, today I planned to see a patient scheduled at 9am so I could pump at 10. By 10, the patient hadn’t showed up, so I started pumping. No kidding, I had barely started when I got a call from one of the other genetic counselors saying the patient was there. Nothing I could do at that point. I had to pump or I wouldn’t have gotten to it until after seeing the patient, which would probably take an hour. I couldn’t really make the patient wait 30 minutes while I finished pumping, so my colleague graciously stepped in to see the patient...so I could pump!!!
I also feel less effective because I don’t have as much work to do yet. The way things work in our department, you see a patient, and then you are responsible for the follow up care. Each patient requires an average of 30 minutes of follow up care. I am seeing patients, but it takes weeks to get results back sometimes, so I am still waiting to do the follow up piece. It means I don’t have much to do at this point, so I feel pretty useless a lot of the time. I know this will pass, but for now, it feels like such a waste to be at work pumping and not having much to do while my mother-in-law watches my baby.
All of this to say it’s not as much fun to be back at work as I thought it would be, which only makes me want to be with my baby more.
There is something surprising about being a working mom though. It’s changed how I experience my patients. I feel like I understand more about the relationship these moms have with their children. Like I can better imagine what it would be like, how devastating and truly worrying it might be to be sitting across from me. I think it makes me a better genetic counselor. I do keep reminding myself though, that I thought I was pretty empathetic and understanding before I had a baby. I may understand better now, but no one can truly understand what another person is going through. Because I’m so surprised by how much more I feel like I understand now that I’m a mom too, I am even more wary to assume that I understand much of what mom’s in my clinic are going through. Becoming a mom changed my perspective so much, it would be ridiculous for me to think that it wouldn’t change just as much or more if I actually was experiencing what my patients are experiencing. I guess that realization makes me a better genetic counselor too though. 

Because every post should have a picture...

Adelyn Speaks

This is one of those videos that parents think is SO cute, but probably really isn't. Well, at least the family should enjoy it.
Adelyn has found her voice. It's a beautiful one too. It's so nice to hear her vocalizing in sounds other than crying or screaming. She's been doing it maybe a week or two. So, here's a video recording this milestone. I think it is ridiculously cute and my heart glows when I watch it :)

Adelyn's Schedule

I went to Austin with Jordan and Adelyn for a couple of days while Jordan attended a conference for work. Adelyn and I mostly hung out in the hotel, but on one of the days we took a short trip to the Texas State Department of Health Services where I have several friends from my work. These are the nurses responsible for tracking down parents of babies who have had abnormal newborn screens and getting them in touch with the appropriate people (me) for follow up. As you can imagine, I talk to them a lot!
While we were there, these lovely people presented me with a baby gift...a book. "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" by Tracy Hogg and Melinda Blau. Steve told me this book had "changed his life" after their first child.
I really like to read in the mornings while I eat breakfast, so when we got back from Austin, I pulled the book out one morning to read a few pages while I ate. I couldn't put it down! This is difficult when you have a two month old. Luckily the first thing I gleaned from the book was the novel concept of putting your baby in the crib for nap time. I'm not sure how we got started down this path, but somehow since bringing Adelyn home from the hospital, she was in someone's arms at every minute. I don't know why (probably sleep deprivation and a little residual pregnancy brain) but this persisted even when Jordan was back at work and I was home alone. No wonder I was frustrated and exhausted with my maternity leave. I was holding Adelyn all day, and I'm not kidding, it never occurred to me to put her down in her bassinet to sleep until I read this book. I dunno either, I thought I was a pretty smart girl...
Well, after the life changing idea of putting your baby in their bed to sleep, I had much more time to finish reading the book that first day. I spent every minute that Adelyn was sleeping reading the book. We then started her "schedule" the next day.
It's not really a schedule...more of a routine. The benefit is that I know what I should be doing with her during the day. Apparently she is also learning what to expect, but the jury's still out on whether or not this is true.
The schedule
7am- wake up, first feeding
play time and diaper change after the feeding (this usually goes until 9:30, but can end earlier if she's cranky)
nap time until 10am feeding
10am- second feeding
play time and diaper change after the feedingnap (she usually is napping by 11)
1pm- third feeding
play time and diaper change
nap
4pm- fourth feeding
play time and diaper change
nap
6pm- first cluster feed (only 2 hours b/w the previous feed and this one)
diaper change and get ready for bed
8pm- second cluster feedone last diaper change and put her down to sleep
10 or 11pm- dream feed (this is a feeding where you very quietly take the baby out of their bed and try to sneak in a feeding while they are asleep. Amazingly, Adelyn will take an entire feeding while staying asleep!!!)
cross your fingers and hope she sleeps all night.

What I've learned
We were doing something like this before I read the book, but it really solidified in my mind that there should be sleeping time after every meal. That has helped me pay attention while we are in the awake/playful time to Adelyn's mood. When she starts to get fussy an hour into play time, it is now clear to me that she is ready to sleep. Before I was mostly baffled and frustrated.
The other suggestion that has been helpful from the book is not to change the baby's diaper in the middle of the night. We were getting up to change her whenever she woke up to feed. This made our middle of the night wakings longer and it woke her up enough that it was a little difficult to get her back to sleep.Also, it helped be realize that even babies need a bed time. We were keeping Adelyn out in the living room with us until we were ready for bed around 10 or 11. I knew this wasn't what we would be doing say when she was a year old, but I didn't know when that switch was supposed to happen. The answer is now...really we should have been doing it all along.
Jordan has started calling this book the Bible. More because I am frequently found saying "the book says..." He hasn't read it, and so is really just taking my work for what it says we should be doing.

How it's working
Adelyn has been a much happier baby since we started this. But that might be the reflux medicine we started her on around the same time :) I'm a much happier mommy since we started this, which is more important I think. I have a rough idea of how my day is going to be, with the exception of what kind of mood Adelyn is going to be in. I feel like the fussy times, while still existent, are much more limited. Maybe because I know much more clearly what Adelyn needs. That right there makes me feel like a better mom. I have found myself in the last few days saying to people who are holding her "she needs...", "you might try..." and it almost always works. Hey, I'm getting good at this. Good thing...I really hate doing things that I'm not good at!
The first sign that the schedule is actually making a difference for Adelyn came last night. She woke up at 1am, which is really too early for a feeding, since we had fed her around 11. I gave her the pacifier, and she went back to sleep. Next thing I heard from her wasn't until 6:15 this morning! Even then, she wasn't really fussy, more like she heard Jordan's alarm go off and started to wake up. I was so astonished with how long it had been that I went ahead and fed her, even though she might have gone all the way to 7am without needing it. Jordan says not to get excited yet. Too late! It has me wondering if she really needs that middle of the night feeding anymore. I think tonight I'm going to try just giving her the pacifier and see what happens. This could mean we're in for a half hour of misery before I decide she really is insisting on being fed, but we'll see. It's exciting nonetheless.

And because no blog is complete without a picture...